Tears Don't Fall

"Your tears don't fall, they crash around me"

I feel sad, miserable ... alone. Any emotion you could associate with being unhappy. I know, I know I will be happy eventually. I's going to take a while. A long while. I hate hurting people I love, and I hurt the person who loved me the most. I feel just all this remorse, sadness something is eating me up in side (no its not my stomach eating itself even though that hurts as well) I want to be happy, I can't be until he is and he wont because I make him happy. But sacrificing my own happiness for him? Is it a good thing to do? I don't know, I did for long enough and I sit here now wondering if it was all worth it. I'm a changed person because of it all. I am not who I once was. I am not independent as I used to be, not as confident as I used to be. I can't find a reason to put a smile on my face. I can't find a reason to laugh, nor do the things I love like - do my hair, make up or even have a glass of coffee. I don't want to leave my room, or my house. I don't want to get out. I'm sick of this constant feeling of misery. I'm sitting here, waiting ... just waiting for it. The massive wall of emotion to confront me. Where are the tears? I'm the biggest sook I know ... why aren't I crying? What the hell is wrong with me? No break down, no mass amounts of emotional deep and meaningfuls .... nothing. Just me, Bianca... a body of ... nothing. I listen to sad songs. No tears. I listen to happy songs. No smile. Nothing.

"My bed so cold so lonely, no arms just sheets to hold me, has this world stopped turning. Are we forever to be apart?"

How can I not cry at the fact that he wont share the bed with me anymore, to know that now ... there's no reason to just call him or text him. Theres nothing. A friendship hopefully. But for now, it's empty. I don't share my bed, my affections, my life, my emotions with no one. Here I sit saying I know I can, I can cope. I am better off alone. I function better when I have no one to answer to, I know that. Because it's me. But for now, it feels hopeless. This isn't me. I haven't been me for a while, some one please come to me and give me the answers? I'm sick of looking and thinking. I need your help.