Tormented

"Everything changes if I could,

turn back the years

If you could learn to forgive me

.... then I could to feel"

"the air around me still feels like a cage,

love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again."

"You always find a way,

to keep me right here waiting."

"I've got some imperfections,

but how can you collect them all

and throw them in my face."

"You just refuse to bend,

so I keep bending till I break."

Goodbye Forever

There comes a point in ones life where you feel as though certain people you have grown apart from will never come back into your life. People whom you have thought would be there till you're old and grey. You realise these people have consumed themselves in their own lives and have forgotten everything outside of it. I do think it's a rather selfish act, yes ... I may have lulled in this area once but there comes a time where you need to think of yourself and get yourself back on top before you can face others. Who wants to hang out with a miserable sooky teenage on the brink of an emotional and mental melt down. I'm glad to say I'm well past that point, but. I tried my hardest. Some people seem as though they're so content in their little bubble that they're not willing to change. They don't care that they're loosing great friends and in the end they wont be happy because they are stuck in an abusive relationship with no one to run too because they pushed everyone away. I hope I was never like this and hope I will never be like this. I hold my friends as close to my heart as I do my family. They are my family and I would do anything for them, I love them.

Tears Don't Fall

"Your tears don't fall, they crash around me"

I feel sad, miserable ... alone. Any emotion you could associate with being unhappy. I know, I know I will be happy eventually. I's going to take a while. A long while. I hate hurting people I love, and I hurt the person who loved me the most. I feel just all this remorse, sadness something is eating me up in side (no its not my stomach eating itself even though that hurts as well) I want to be happy, I can't be until he is and he wont because I make him happy. But sacrificing my own happiness for him? Is it a good thing to do? I don't know, I did for long enough and I sit here now wondering if it was all worth it. I'm a changed person because of it all. I am not who I once was. I am not independent as I used to be, not as confident as I used to be. I can't find a reason to put a smile on my face. I can't find a reason to laugh, nor do the things I love like - do my hair, make up or even have a glass of coffee. I don't want to leave my room, or my house. I don't want to get out. I'm sick of this constant feeling of misery. I'm sitting here, waiting ... just waiting for it. The massive wall of emotion to confront me. Where are the tears? I'm the biggest sook I know ... why aren't I crying? What the hell is wrong with me? No break down, no mass amounts of emotional deep and meaningfuls .... nothing. Just me, Bianca... a body of ... nothing. I listen to sad songs. No tears. I listen to happy songs. No smile. Nothing.

"My bed so cold so lonely, no arms just sheets to hold me, has this world stopped turning. Are we forever to be apart?"

How can I not cry at the fact that he wont share the bed with me anymore, to know that now ... there's no reason to just call him or text him. Theres nothing. A friendship hopefully. But for now, it's empty. I don't share my bed, my affections, my life, my emotions with no one. Here I sit saying I know I can, I can cope. I am better off alone. I function better when I have no one to answer to, I know that. Because it's me. But for now, it feels hopeless. This isn't me. I haven't been me for a while, some one please come to me and give me the answers? I'm sick of looking and thinking. I need your help.

Bittersweet Memories

It's ok. It's cool. I completely understand. I understand that you're a liar. I understand that you don't care. I understand that you're rude, senseless and arrogant. You're everything you said you weren't and I'll never trust you again. I hope you're happy. Wasted both yours and my time. The friendship meant nothing to you, and I only figured this out now. What a waste of space. I don't know why I ever trusted you in the first place. I cannot believe it has taken me this long to see this side of you. I'm somewhat glad though, at least I didn't know you for longer. I'm glad to rid you from my life.

GOODBYE!

Reflections

"The story of a dog. A dog and his family are coming home running along the side of this riverbank. He's looking in. He's got a bone in his mouth he's happy right. He catches his reflection of himself in the water, and just for a quick second he thinks that he see's another dog, with an even bigger bone. So without hesitation he jumps into the water for the bigger bone, drops his bone in the water. Nearly drowns trying to swim back to the shore. Then sits there thinking ... If I had only been content with what I already had. So don't go after those bigger bones, its just a reflection" MC Eso.

Some lyrics from the song Reflections by Bliss n Eso:

"I wont be faked by my reflection like the dog that dropped his bone."

"Happy with my reflection even though I've done dumb shit."

"I've been down this road before, it's been one hell of a ride. The challenge is the balance of that fine line. Between the earth and sky."

This song is amazing. Bliss n Eso are amazing. It helps me get past all the shit happening in my life at the moment. I can honestly say I am happy with who I am, cause the moment I start doubting myself if the moment I lose my bone. I love the message this song sends.

My Happy Place.

I haven't been in the happiest moods of late. Being in the middle of conflict isn't my idea of peace. I've copped the short end of the ugly stick in most of the situations where I'm always the last to know, or ... I'm part of the issue yet, I find out from other people and not the person I should be hearing it from. That's nothing I have control over, I just hope these people grow up, move on and get over themselves. In all this I found my happy place, it's right here. In my sanctuary, my room. I light my candles, I read a book, listen to music, watch a movie and let all the sorrow, sadness, anger & hate wonder out of my mind temporarily while I concentrate on something actually worth my time because it's dealing me with more happiness than some people in my life at the moment.

How To Listen.

Learning how to listen is a quality everyone should posses in their life. Those who refuse to listen are those who let it build up and boil up inside. They don't want to listen

because they're t

oo scared to face the truth or too scared to hear something they don't wanna hear. Personally, for me. I'd rather sit down and settle things like an adult,listen to other peoples point of view before saying my own argument, it seems like the proper way to do it. Instead of having a problem with one person, bringing it up with another and adding fuel to the already rather large fire than dousing the fire and bringing the issue up with the people you had a problem with in the first place. I don't know, I am no Peter Perfect but I'd rather work things out civilly. Those who listen recognise their flaws and ask for help to fix them. While I've been spending time alone lately I've had a lot of time to think. If people are so ready to pass blame and not recognise in them selves that they've done something wrong then how can they possibly be

content living knowing that it is always everyone else's fault but theirs. Are they really so wrapped up in themselves that they don't stop to think for a second that maybe you did contribut

e to the problem?

In my little thinking bubble, I also went down the path of people walking out of my life. Should I walk after them? Run after them and beg them to turn around and come back? I decided against the chasing, cause if thesepeople are so content in walking away from a friendship then who am I to stop them? No, I have tried before, raised concerns and asked them to think for a second. No longer will I be doing this, because if they're willing to do that then they're obviously not worth my time and effort. Those who stick around I am thankful for. Those who I never argue with because they also know how to listen and work problems out like an adult. I am nearing 20 so in my 19 years and nearly 7 months of living I have learnt something ... People just want to be heard, and who am I to stop them from voicing their opinion. Letting people have their say leads to calmer happier people, and I am glad to be one of those people and to be surrounded by them. I call them my family and my friends.

I love my best friends; Lana, Chantelle and Mel. They honestly mean the world to me. Regar

dless of the time or where we are of what we're doing we're always there for each other.Always able to talk on the phone, able to talk each other out of bad decisions and always able to make each other smile. Chantelle has known me the longest and honestly no mater how long we go without seeing each other we can pick up where we left off and continue to be great. Haha. Mel, she's like me because she's Croatian ... she understands my stubborn personality and will tell me like it is. Lana is the best kinda best friend you can have, just amazing and stunningly beautiful inside and out. :D They're the closest I have to sisters and I'm glad to have them around.

Love The Way You Lie

Just gonna stand there

and watch me burn?

Thats okay cause I like

the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there

and hear me cry?

Thats alright cause I love

the way you lie.

Today I learnt

Today I learnt that time heals all wounds. Honestly it does. Give people time. If they ask for it eventually, when they're ready they'll come to you. It's so true. And here I was thinking it was just a saying. My mate, he said. Sorry - give me time. I'm hurting. So I did. I gave him time. And now, here we are... chatting again like everything used to be. Its amazing what time can do. It can age you. It can make you or break you. It can and eventually will kill you. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I can heal wounds, and help you forget them, but when you want to forget them time couldn't go any slower. I turn 20 this year. It has taken me 20 years to understand time, but can time ever be fully understood? Time has taught me how to wait and how to be patient. Time, it taught me how to live.

These people have stuck around for the most of it. From the back, right to left Mel, Chris, Michael, Chantelle, Anthony and Elsa. My mates since highschool. Anthony, Chantelle and Elsa since juniour campus. These guys are amazing. The moment this photo was taken, it was a perfect moment in time. Reguardless of whatever is happening now, this is how I like to remember us. Last day of highschool and high on life.

All I Need.

So, here I am blogging. I don't know what to say or do ... But I'll give it a try. I actually don't know what to say. I think that maybe I am too boring. I hesitated making one of these in the first place. I can tell you what I do. I take photo's. I do make-up. I work part time. Photography and make up are 2 passions in my life. I enjoy them immensely . I take photo's of anything really. I go to make up classes weekly, hopefully to become a make up artist.

This is my 2010 self portrait. I hope you like it. No matter what anyone says, I am still not convinced that I am a likeable person. I seem to pick out every bad point about myself and advertise them instead of trying to sell myself on my good points. But, take me as you will. I don't really care for thoughts of other people. I love my life, my boyfriend, my family and friends. Thats all I need.